Thursday, December 31, 2009

Rock the vote!

OK folks, as most of you are aware, I actually wrote an entry for the The Worst Story Ever Contest (a.k.a The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest). It's called "I Messed My Panties".

Yup...I think I've pretty much mastered the "utter shit" style of writing.

In honor of the voting beginning, I've composed a little side-piece to my entry. Please remember all mistakes are intentional, as is the God-awful style, horrendous dialogue, and complete absence of plot (or sense).
"I don't DESERVE to vote!!!!!" Edward whaled, ripping his hare out in ginormously large chunks, throwing them to the ground as his eyes raged wildly.

"Edward," Bella's little girl voice popped up like a dozen pixies beating there wings in the twilight air.  "Edward, I think I just messed my panties."

"WHY Bella???!! WHY?"  Edward screamed.  "I don't deserve for you to mess your panties!!"

"You said vote.  That's theonly thing sexier than your hair.  Ooops! I just messed them again when I said vote."

"I'll vote for you Bella," Emmett hissed from the corner, strocking his huge sparkling dong as his breath heaved and his mouth watered for her aching swollen love tunnel.

"I'm not entering the contest, Emmett!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bella shouted,.

"Who is?" Jasper asked, but his voice was muffled by the sound of the banjo in his mouth.

"Some fucktarded woman named SassenachWench.  She wrote some fuckawful story about a retarded vampire family with a dog."

"I don't deserve a fucktarded woman named SassenachWench!!!!!!!!"  Edward screamed, puling out more hair from his head, which stood on end like a room full of monkeys just humped it and left it to dry while he slept on it.

"So, I have to vote for this hot, hot, love goddess then?"  Edward asked.

"No.  Just go vote for someone.  Like maybe her, or maybe the one written in LOLCats, or maybe the one about the badunk-a-dunk."  Said Bella.

"I don't DESERVE a badunk-a-dunk!!!!" Edward screamed.

"I'll eat your badunk-a-dunk with some fava beans and a nice chianti" hissed Emmett.

Just then, suddenly, as quickly as if something very fast happened -- like a cheetah, or a fish -- Jasper walked into the room carrying Lacob. Lacob was wearing a tiara and a veil.

"We're married!" he eclaired.

"Married??!!??!!??!!" Bella yelled. "But what about Alice?"

"Oh, she ran off with Esme. I realized then that she was right, we weren't good for each other. I fell for Lacob, and we're gonna have little vampug babies."
Yeah, I'm gonna leave it there. I can't torture you (or myself) any further.

I'm not asking you to vote for me, but if you have time, please vote for someone.  Get out there and rock the vote! (And really, it would be fuckawesome if you voted for me!)

To vote, all you have to do is send an email/PM to the contest profile with your selection.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I have written the worst fic ever. EVER.

Here is a preview of my new one-shot. It's a contest entry. I'm very, very proud of this one-shot. I really think I have a crack at winning.

Have I mentioned it's a contest for the crappiest fic ever? :) Yes, this is a preview of my entry for the The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest!

I Messed My Panties

“Noooo!!! Why, Bella, why?!!??!!” Edward screamed, his voice braking, tormented anguish coloring every vowel, his deep emotional soul ripping through the air in gasping breaths. He clutched at his hair, pulling out chunks, throwing them to the floor. “I have no sole, Bella, don’t you get it? No sooooooul. I am evil, and when you were human I wanted to eat you! EAT YOU!”

“Edward?” Bella’s girlish voice chimed in as she watched her husband writhe on the floor. Her eyes had that glazed over look they almost always had when Edward played with his hair. It meant she was horny for him. Her legs were crossed, and she squirmed in her seat as she watched him writhe.

“Edward?” she chirped. “But I like it when you eat me.”

Edward gasped, throwing his arms over his head, wailing, then ript his shirt from his body.

“This is the skin of a KILLER, Bella! Can’t you see that?!??!??!!!”

Bella continued to writhe on the couch, her breasts thrust out as she watched Edward, now half-naked, clutching at his chest hair, pulling it out also. Her breath came in gasps, speeding up as he writhed.

“Touch your hair, Edward, touch it!” She cried out.

He grabbed a handful of his hair, screaming, “I don’t DESERVE hair!!!!” as he ripped it from his head. In that moment Bella let out a moan, her eyes closed tight. Suddenly her eyes opened and she looked at Edward, her hand covering her mouth.

“Ooops. I messed my panties.”

“See?!??! I DID that to you. I don’t DESERVE you. I don’t deserve anything good. I’m an evil person. I’m not even a PERSON! I’m just all BAD STUFF!!”

(Yes, all mistakes are not only intentional, but required.)

By the way, have you read Geek Love Chapter 21? It's up, and you should really get on that. :)

Friday, December 18, 2009

By Way of Apology, I Offer a Tryst

OK, you haven't heard from me in a really freakin' long time -- I know. I suck. RL job, RL parenting, and RL illness have been in the way. BUT, by way of apology, I offer you the one-shot I co-wrote with Green Puma, for Ninapolitan's Friday Free For All. It's called "Tryst", and is really, really dirty.

Seriously, you'll need to shower afterwards. In a good way. ;)

My name is Carlisle Cullen. I am a doctor, a husband, and a father. My family—my wife and children—are my world. They inspire me to be the best man I can be. Like all men, I have failings—weaknesses that torment me. For me, it's sex. I have an unusual thirst for it, craving it almost constantly.

Read TRYST now!