I was wrong.
Less than three months later, I was planning my next one. I read about The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest hosted by Jasper's Destiny, and the idea of writing something so intentionally awful that it was award-winningly bad intrigued me.
So, I had a 1:30 a.m. GChat brainstorming session with the ever-amazing GreenPuma, and came out with what I was convinced was an award-winningly awful outline. It was complete with Multiple-Orgasm Bella; Angst-riddled, Messy-Haired Edward; Blood-thirsty Soldier Jasper; Horny Mindless Emmett; Vain Rosalie, and, of course, Shopping Alice.
No fanfic is complete without Shopping Alice.
I put all I had as a writer into this fic: I made sure I was sleep-deprived. I drank before, during, and after writing. I gave myself a half-hour time limit. I did no revisions. I copied & pasted some sections.
The result, I was absolutely convinced, was stunningly awful. Award-winningly awful, I dared hope.
My stunningly awful fic won second place today.
I am considering this a victory.
The winning fic, in all truth, should have been disqualified. Why? It was good. Far too good. I Want to Eff You Like a Masochistic Lion came complete with POVs switching so rapidly they included the Shiny Volvo POV, Rear-view Mirror POV, and the Air Freshener's POV. The opening paragraph alone screams "genuine talent".
EPOV:So, I put forth the argument to you, ladies and ... well, let's face it, no men read this ... that being the not-quite-good-enough-to-win submission in a contest looking for the worst, is in a way, saying I've won. I'm the NOT best of the worst, which means I'm actually the worst.
I was feeling emo, as usual. I was flipping my hair and sighing, sick of watching my vampire siblings sexing it up on every piece of furniture in the house. "That is an EAMES chair, you dullards," I yelled as Rosalie and Emmett wiggled their jigglies. They were so juvenile. I got out of my flannel footie pajamas and into my totally smokin' sleeveless collared shirt. Unbuttoned. I was feeling saucy, so I wore the oatmeal-colored one instead of the taupe or heather gray. "We are going to be late for school," I said, popping the silent "p" in "school."
At least, that's how I'm looking at it.
I'm sure IWTEYLAML authors Feisty Y. Beden, philadelphic and NelsonSmandela won't feel the same way! :)