Monday, January 11, 2010

I declare myself victorious!!

I wrote a crack fic in September -- a very short one-shot called "The Hunt". I declared it my first and last crack fic.

I was wrong.

Less than three months later, I was planning my next one. I read about The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest hosted by Jasper's Destiny, and the idea of writing something so intentionally awful that it was award-winningly bad intrigued me.

So, I had a 1:30 a.m. GChat brainstorming session with the ever-amazing GreenPuma, and came out with what I was convinced was an award-winningly awful outline.  It was complete with Multiple-Orgasm Bella; Angst-riddled, Messy-Haired Edward; Blood-thirsty Soldier Jasper; Horny Mindless Emmett; Vain Rosalie, and, of course, Shopping Alice.

No fanfic is complete without Shopping Alice.

I put all I had as a writer into this fic:  I made sure I was sleep-deprived. I drank before, during, and after writing. I gave myself a half-hour time limit.  I did no revisions.  I copied & pasted some sections.

The result, I was absolutely convinced, was stunningly awful.  Award-winningly awful, I dared hope.

My stunningly awful fic won second place today.


I am considering this a victory.

The winning fic, in all truth, should have been disqualified.  Why?  It was good.  Far too good.  I Want to Eff You Like a Masochistic Lion came complete with POVs switching so rapidly they included the Shiny Volvo POV, Rear-view Mirror POV, and the Air Freshener's POV. The opening paragraph alone screams "genuine talent".
I was feeling emo, as usual. I was flipping my hair and sighing, sick of watching my vampire siblings sexing it up on every piece of furniture in the house. "That is an EAMES chair, you dullards," I yelled as Rosalie and Emmett wiggled their jigglies. They were so juvenile. I got out of my flannel footie pajamas and into my totally smokin' sleeveless collared shirt. Unbuttoned. I was feeling saucy, so I wore the oatmeal-colored one instead of the taupe or heather gray. "We are going to be late for school," I said, popping the silent "p" in "school."
So, I put forth the argument to you, ladies and ... well, let's face it, no men read this ... that being the not-quite-good-enough-to-win submission in a contest looking for the worst, is in a way, saying I've won. I'm the NOT best of the worst, which means I'm actually the worst.

At least, that's how I'm looking at it.

I'm sure IWTEYLAML authors Feisty Y. Beden, philadelphic and NelsonSmandela won't feel the same way! :)


  1. Yay! Congratulations, SW!

    You had a great entry :D

    Great blog, by the way!

  2. wow. i read it after happening on this blog, and it's pretty damn awesome. i'm a sick fuck, of course, with a warped sense of humor; but luckilly, so are my friends. we have been quoting it to each other. it's like a thing now. be proud of your effery!
    p.s. geek love is officially my favorite fic. you win at life.