I declare myself victorious!!

I wrote a crack fic in September -- a very short one-shot called "The Hunt". I declared it my first and last crack fic.

I was wrong.

Less than three months later, I was planning my next one. I read about The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest hosted by Jasper's Destiny, and the idea of writing something so intentionally awful that it was award-winningly bad intrigued me.

So, I had a 1:30 a.m. GChat brainstorming session with the ever-amazing GreenPuma, and came out with what I was convinced was an award-winningly awful outline.  It was complete with Multiple-Orgasm Bella; Angst-riddled, Messy-Haired Edward; Blood-thirsty Soldier Jasper; Horny Mindless Emmett; Vain Rosalie, and, of course, Shopping Alice.

No fanfic is complete without Shopping Alice.

I put all I had as a writer into this fic:  I made sure I was sleep-deprived. I drank before, during, and after writing. I gave myself a half-hour time limit.  I did no revisions.  I copied & pasted some sections.

The result, I was absolutely convinced, was stunningly awful.  Award-winningly awful, I dared hope.

My stunningly awful fic won second place today.

Second.

I am considering this a victory.

The winning fic, in all truth, should have been disqualified.  Why?  It was good.  Far too good.  I Want to Eff You Like a Masochistic Lion came complete with POVs switching so rapidly they included the Shiny Volvo POV, Rear-view Mirror POV, and the Air Freshener's POV. The opening paragraph alone screams "genuine talent".

EPOV:
I was feeling emo, as usual. I was flipping my hair and sighing, sick of watching my vampire siblings sexing it up on every piece of furniture in the house. "That is an EAMES chair, you dullards," I yelled as Rosalie and Emmett wiggled their jigglies. They were so juvenile. I got out of my flannel footie pajamas and into my totally smokin' sleeveless collared shirt. Unbuttoned. I was feeling saucy, so I wore the oatmeal-colored one instead of the taupe or heather gray. "We are going to be late for school," I said, popping the silent "p" in "school."

So, I put forth the argument to you, ladies and ... well, let's face it, no men read this ... that being the not-quite-good-enough-to-win submission in a contest looking for the worst, is in a way, saying I've won. I'm the NOT best of the worst, which means I'm actually the worst.

At least, that's how I'm looking at it.

I'm sure IWTEYLAML authors Feisty Y. Beden, philadelphic and NelsonSmandela won't feel the same way! :)

Confessions

I have a confession to make.  OK, I have two. Mostly, though, I want to know yours.

1. I have Sinful Thoughts:

I am currently not only reading, but enjoying a Bella/Edward fic in which they are both siblings and lovers.  Yes, as in "Incest is the best -- it's a game the whole family can play!" In Sinful Thoughts, Edward is Bella's adopted brother. They don't know he's adopted when they start making the Sibling with Two Backs in their heads, nor do they know it when they share their first kiss.

Once they discover Edward's long-lost (read: hidden by Renee) birth certificate, it takes them about 2.2 seconds to do the fat nasty.  They utterly ignore the fact that they are legally still siblings, and call the same two people "Mom" and "Dad".

Their relationship rips the family apart, and causes Charlie and Renee to divorce.

The reasons not to read this fic are almost countless.  And yet, I did, and to my utter surprise I liked it.  I root for those crazy kids, and by chapter 20 started getting angry at the implication that people might judge them.

I have not, however, recced it to anyone.  I don't want to have to explain it.

I walked into the room, closing the door behind me. She looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to say the first word.

“I’m adopted.”

She let out the breath she was holding and slid over to sit next to me. Bella enveloped me in her arms creating comfort that I was unaware I needed. The safety she provided made me continue talking.

“I feel hurt because they hid it from me, but I also feel guilty at the relief I feel.”

“Relief?” she inquired.

“Bella, you have been a wonderful sibling, but I am so glad you are not my sister.”

“Oh Edward, thank fuck you’re not my brother.”

Now, I had heard Bella curse before, but I could count on one hand the times she had said fuck. The sound of her exasperated voice along with the cuss word caused me to burst out laughing. Before long her delicate frame barked out a loud guffaw which only caused me to laugh harder.

Our laughter died down and we became quiet. I looked over at her and she was playing with her hands and looking at the floor.

“Bella?” I asked softly.

She looked up at me and our eyes locked. In that moment I could feel our connection, as tangible as the bed we sat on. I reached my hand up and brushed her hair back, tucking it behind her ear. I could hear her swallow; the room was so hushed. The silent conversation between us was clear; even if everyone was against us, we knew we weren’t wrong. I leaned my body into hers, taking my time to breath in her scent. This kiss would be different from the last one we shared. There was no trick, no guilt, no shame. Her breath hit my lips a moment before…

2. I Boycott the Barflies

I was a late-comer to fanfic.  When I first started I asked for recs, and heard so much about the "greats" -- the Boycotts and Barflies and Trust in Advertising type fics, I jumped straight on them.

And jumped straight off again.

I couldn't, despite three separate attempts on B&B, and two on TIA, get past the dialogue. Perhaps knowing that they were considered publication-worthy raised my expectations unrealistically, but I just couldn't do it.

Do you have any fic confessions? I really want to know. Is there a fic you love to hate? Or better yet, hate to love, but can't help it? Is there a dark secret you've been hiding (love to see Carlisle slut it up? Want nothing more than to see Edward get it hard from Jasper?)

My inquiring mind wants to know.

Geek Love - Sneak Peek at chapter 22

This is bribery. Flat out bribery, in the hopes of getting you to vote in the Worst Fic Ever contest. My entry, "I Messed My Panties", is truly awful and you may throw virtual rotten tomatoes at me when you read it.

Preview of Geek Love Chapter 22:

Six months later

Walking into the downstairs game room of my parent’s house, it was impossible not to laugh at the scene before me.

Bella was sitting on the floor, legs crossed, her modified netbook propped open, typing furiously. I had helped her install OSX on her Dell mini netbook, and received a very special thank you for it.

Don’t remember the ‘thank you’. Wood would not look good right now.

Every few seconds Bella would look up at the giant TV screen thoughtfully, then return to her laptop, fingers flying over the keyboard.

Jasper lay sprawled on the couch, making comments presumably aimed at Bella. Some she would ask briefly about, some she merely nodded and dutifully noted in her document.

Alice lay on the other end of the sofa propped against a pile of throw pillows, feet in Jasper’s lap. In her hands was an iPhone, turned landscape. She was engrossed in whatever was on the tiny screen, ignoring the larger one—which was impressive given the size, volume, and content.

Jasper took his eyes off the screen, looking at Bella. “Did you get the software?”

“Um…yeah, I got a trial of a few different ones. Right now I’m just working in Neo Office. I’ll migrate it over later.” She spoke without looking up or interrupting her flying digits.

“OK. We need to talk deadlines and stuff soon.”

I sat behind Bella, wrapping my arms around her waist, enveloping her hips in my thighs. She reached around and squeezed me in brief acknowledgment, still typing with the other hand.

Leaning my chin on Bella’s shoulder, I read her notes—chunks of scene descriptions interspersed with random dialogue ideas. It was fucking awesome. Some of it was so funny I laughed hard enough to force Bella to stop typing for a moment, earning a glare from her.

“Cullen, if you can’t stand the heat get the fuck out of my screenplay.”

Jasper’s eyes tore away from the TV, and he leveled Bella with a glare, one eyebrow raised. “Your screenplay? What the fuck am I, chopped monkey nuts?”

She laughed. “Sorry Jasper, our screenplay. You know this is mostly yours. I’m just your glorified secretary slash color commentary.”

Yes, Jasper and Bella were writing a porn screenplay.

Active research was ongoing on my dad’s 55-inch 1080P screen.

Let me know what you think! And vote!

About Me

It has come to my attention that I may possibly have overlooked the whole "profile" part of using this blog to replace my other online profiles. My original intent was to not have to update my FanFiction, Twilighted, Twitter, MyVampFiction, etc. profiles every time I wanted to communicate something. I wanted one-stop shopping

But, like I said, I totes forgot to actually put any profile stuff up here. So, instead of putting any effort into it, I'm gonna cheat. Cos I'm like that. Here's the "Get to Know You" quiz I did on Facebook. But I left out the names of the innocent. Well...that means my daughter. Cos no-one else I know over ten is innocent. And even the six-year-olds are questionable...

This survey was completed in mid-August 2009.

1. Can you fill this out without lying?
Probably. How will you know though? Maybe I'm a good liar when I type.

2. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
A giant...coffee.
(Stop that! Naughty naughty...)

3. Who was your last text message from?
Jessica, my friend. <3
(I don't have many friends so I need to suck up to the ones I have.)

4. Where was your default picture taken?
You may not know this, but that’s not actually me.  I stole
that pic off the interwebs.
(This answer was changed for the blog, you know, cos my Facebook picture is an actual photo)

5. Last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20?
Three girls ages 3-6. They talked about ice-cream, donuts, and weiners (the boy-kind, not the food-kind). My child, I'm SO proud to say, was the loudest.

6. Name someone that made you laugh today?
A woman in Twitter who posted about her husband freaking out their four-year-old by buying a duplicate of her favorite teddy bear and giving it button eyes, then switching them while she slept. If that doesn't make sense to you, watch Coraline. I'm STILL laughing!

7. How late did you stay up last night and why?
About 12:30. I wanted to stay up later but got tired. I was sad -- there was still much internet to read!

8. If you could move somewhere else would you?
Absolutely! I want to live in Vienna.

9. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yes. But I was very, very drunk. Wait, what difference does that make?

10. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
My husband.

11. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Absolutely. I'm friends with a few.

12. Calling or texting?
Texting. Calling is far too personal.

13. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper?
The guy who operated on my hand was named Dr. Pepper. I liked him.

14. When was the last time you cried really hard?
I cry on the inside all day long.

15. Where is your biological father right now?
Bellevue.

16. Where are you at right now?
At work. *waves at boss*

17. What bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine. Wow, I must be old -- my first thought was "where else would I be??"
...Then I remembered college.

18. What was the last thing someone bought for you?
Starbucks, probably.

19. Who took your profile picture?
See question 4.

20. Was yesterday better than today?
It's only 9:30 a.m., but so far, yesterday was better.

21. Can you live a day without TV?
Totally. I hardly ever watch it.

22. Are you mad about anything?
Constantly. Is it obvious?

23. Do you think relationships are really worth it?
*sigh*

Yes.

Maybe.

24. When was the last time you were disappointed and why?
I disappoint myself constantly. If you mean by someone else: About an hour ago.

**Breaking news!** Updated while re-reading -- make that two minutes ago!

25. Are you a bad influence?
More of a "negative" influence than a "bad" one. I pride myself on it.

Not really, I have no pride left.

26. Night out or night in?
In. Hands-down. That way no-one can see me cry.

27. What items could you not go without during the day?
My child...OK, coffee. Yes, I know my child isn't an "item".

28. Would you share a drink with a stranger?
Sure.

29. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Can't even remember. Maybe Shane Redmond in Wellington, NZ after he drunk-drove his car into a ditch and smashed his jaw, I think. Holy crow, that was 15 years ago! But I did blend his food for him while his jaw was wired shut. Awwww... I'm a good friend.

30. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"Talking about the moon and how NA must have rehearsed 'one small step...'"

No, I didn't understand it either.

31. How do you feel about your life right now?
Meh.

32. How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
Around 5. But they chased me down through a corn field in a dream the other night...

33. Do you hate anyone?
No. Well... people who hurt children. But that's not a specific person.

34. If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find?
Work or home? Work: 3282 emails I have yet to file. Mostly regarding things I need to do. Home: A bill, random to-do items, info on soccer practice, and a bunch of Facebook messages.

35. Can you easily tell if someone’s fake?
Yes. Well, most of the time. I can definitely spot the mannequins.

36. Has anyone ever called you a perfectionist?
Yes. But more often it's "control freak" or just "bitch".

38. What song is stuck in your head?
"I'm On My Way" by the Proclaimers. Because clearly I'm on my way to happiness today.

39. Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, who do you want it to be?
Jasper Whitlock. Rawr! He can exsanguinate me any time.

40. Wanna have kids before you’re 30?
Too late. I was 29 and 3/4 when I had one.

41. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Be nicer to my child.

42. Can you whistle?
Hell yeah! It's the best. You know who *can't* whistle? My five year old. She thinks she can though, and goes "woo woo" in a high squeaky voice, then tells me she's whistling. Oh, and that guy from Madagascar 2 -- the lemur king guy.

43. Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
Side mostly then back some. What a stupid question.

44. Do you think too much or too little?
Mostly too little, maybe. Don't know, I need to think about it.

45. Do you smile a lot?
When I'm nervous. Right now, I'm not smiling. This survey is boring.

46. Who was your last missed call on your mobile phone?
Ugh...work. Stop stalking me, work people!  I send you to voicemail for a reason.

47. When is the next time you will see the person you like?
"The" person? Like high-school "I like you, tee hee" type of "like"? These questions are stupid.

48. Are you happy with your life?
No.

49. Can you handle the truth?
Sometimes, but most often not.

50. What book are you currently reading?
"To say Nothing of the Dog" by Connie Willis

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
LOL. Yes, Marc, I hate you.
(If you know me well, you'll know why this is funny).

52. Is there something you always wear?
My smile and pleasant attitude.

53. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Filling out this long-ass fucking survey.

54. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
My daughter. I heart her. Lots.

55. Did you have anything exciting last weekend?
"have"? Who the hell wrote this? Who cares? Do any of you people reading this care??! *I* don't even care and it's my life.

56. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes. But I never crawled through a window and fell asleep in a child's bed. So I'm one step ahead of Robert Downey Jr.

57. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I'm not even going to answer that. These questions are officially retarded.

58. Are you wearing a necklace?
Yes, a pearl one. And not the kind that comes from the sea. Ugh.

59. What's something that can always make you feel better?
Cocaine.

60. Will this weekend be a good one?
Will it involve cocaine?

61. What do you want right now?
Cocaine.

62. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
I'm a girl. All girls have. This is lame.

63. Look behind you, what do you see?
More office, and a very bitter Proofing department.

64. Have you ever worked in a food place?
Yes, a grocery store, a fish & chip shop, and a pizza/pasta restaurant.

65. What would you name your future daughter?
I named my actual one already. Future ones are out of the question unless I found a new husband who hadn't had a vasectomy.

66. Any summer plans for 2009?
Yeah, to improve my attitude. Did it work?

67. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow?
Get up, do fucking everything, go to work, do fucking everything, come home, hear about how I haven't done enough. This questionnaire is depressing me.

68. Does anyone know your Facebook password?
Well, technically I haven't told anyone, but I'm 100% sure my husband would know it if he tried to log in. Which he wouldn't, because he's Facebook phobic.

69. Would you like some cake?
From The Erotic Bakery please. A giant wang cake. With shaved nuts. I love how that's question 69. OK, that made me smile.

For my actual bio, here's a little info.  Some is in that we boxy thing on the top right of the blog.

I'm a wife, mother (of one), web developer (a.k.a. "computer geek" or "programmer" or "web application developer", or ... fuck it, you get the point) and musician (I play bass and some guitar).

I'm also a Twilighted validation beta, as well as traditional beta to a few fuckawesome writers, including the ever-awesome GreenPuma, LittleYellowPorsche, and DiamondHeart.

Oh, and yes, my penname comes from the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon.  If I had my way, and lived in porn-world, I'd have a big room filled with me, Jamie, Roger, Edward, Jasper, Carlisle, and a few really hot (but totally natural) chicks.

30 minutes later...OK, back now.  Had to take a cold shower.  (Translation: Find new batteries).

Oh, and about my fics.  Well... I have some.  They are linked on the top right also.  Check 'em out.

Hugs,

SassenachWench

Rock the vote!

OK folks, as most of you are aware, I actually wrote an entry for the The Worst Story Ever Contest (a.k.a The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest). It's called "I Messed My Panties".

Yup...I think I've pretty much mastered the "utter shit" style of writing.

In honor of the voting beginning, I've composed a little side-piece to my entry. Please remember all mistakes are intentional, as is the God-awful style, horrendous dialogue, and complete absence of plot (or sense).

"I don't DESERVE to vote!!!!!" Edward whaled, ripping his hare out in ginormously large chunks, throwing them to the ground as his eyes raged wildly.

"Edward," Bella's little girl voice popped up like a dozen pixies beating there wings in the twilight air.  "Edward, I think I just messed my panties."

"WHY Bella???!! WHY?"  Edward screamed.  "I don't deserve for you to mess your panties!!"

"You said vote.  That's theonly thing sexier than your hair.  Ooops! I just messed them again when I said vote."

"I'll vote for you Bella," Emmett hissed from the corner, strocking his huge sparkling dong as his breath heaved and his mouth watered for her aching swollen love tunnel.

"I'm not entering the contest, Emmett!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bella shouted,.

"Who is?" Jasper asked, but his voice was muffled by the sound of the banjo in his mouth.

"Some fucktarded woman named SassenachWench.  She wrote some fuckawful story about a retarded vampire family with a dog."

"I don't deserve a fucktarded woman named SassenachWench!!!!!!!!"  Edward screamed, puling out more hair from his head, which stood on end like a room full of monkeys just humped it and left it to dry while he slept on it.

"So, I have to vote for this hot, hot, love goddess then?"  Edward asked.

"No.  Just go vote for someone.  Like maybe her, or maybe the one written in LOLCats, or maybe the one about the badunk-a-dunk."  Said Bella.

"I don't DESERVE a badunk-a-dunk!!!!" Edward screamed.

"I'll eat your badunk-a-dunk with some fava beans and a nice chianti" hissed Emmett.

Just then, suddenly, as quickly as if something very fast happened -- like a cheetah, or a fish -- Jasper walked into the room carrying Lacob. Lacob was wearing a tiara and a veil.

"We're married!" he eclaired.

"Married??!!??!!??!!" Bella yelled. "But what about Alice?"

"Oh, she ran off with Esme. I realized then that she was right, we weren't good for each other. I fell for Lacob, and we're gonna have little vampug babies."

Yeah, I'm gonna leave it there. I can't torture you (or myself) any further.

I'm not asking you to vote for me, but if you have time, please vote for someone.  Get out there and rock the vote! (And really, it would be fuckawesome if you voted for me!)

To vote, all you have to do is send an email/PM to the contest profile with your selection.

I have written the worst fic ever. EVER.

Here is a preview of my new one-shot. It's a contest entry. I'm very, very proud of this one-shot. I really think I have a crack at winning.

Have I mentioned it's a contest for the crappiest fic ever? :) Yes, this is a preview of my entry for the The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest!

I Messed My Panties

“Noooo!!! Why, Bella, why?!!??!!” Edward screamed, his voice braking, tormented anguish coloring every vowel, his deep emotional soul ripping through the air in gasping breaths. He clutched at his hair, pulling out chunks, throwing them to the floor. “I have no sole, Bella, don’t you get it? No sooooooul. I am evil, and when you were human I wanted to eat you! EAT YOU!”

“Edward?” Bella’s girlish voice chimed in as she watched her husband writhe on the floor. Her eyes had that glazed over look they almost always had when Edward played with his hair. It meant she was horny for him. Her legs were crossed, and she squirmed in her seat as she watched him writhe.

“Edward?” she chirped. “But I like it when you eat me.”

Edward gasped, throwing his arms over his head, wailing, then ript his shirt from his body.

“This is the skin of a KILLER, Bella! Can’t you see that?!??!??!!!”

Bella continued to writhe on the couch, her breasts thrust out as she watched Edward, now half-naked, clutching at his chest hair, pulling it out also. Her breath came in gasps, speeding up as he writhed.

“Touch your hair, Edward, touch it!” She cried out.

He grabbed a handful of his hair, screaming, “I don’t DESERVE hair!!!!” as he ripped it from his head. In that moment Bella let out a moan, her eyes closed tight. Suddenly her eyes opened and she looked at Edward, her hand covering her mouth.

“Ooops. I messed my panties.”

“See?!??! I DID that to you. I don’t DESERVE you. I don’t deserve anything good. I’m an evil person. I’m not even a PERSON! I’m just all BAD STUFF!!”

(Yes, all mistakes are not only intentional, but required.)

By the way, have you read Geek Love Chapter 21? It's up, and you should really get on that. :)

By Way of Apology, I Offer a Tryst

OK, you haven't heard from me in a really freakin' long time -- I know. I suck. RL job, RL parenting, and RL illness have been in the way. BUT, by way of apology, I offer you the one-shot I co-wrote with Green Puma, for Ninapolitan's Friday Free For All. It's called "Tryst", and is really, really dirty.

Seriously, you'll need to shower afterwards. In a good way. ;)

Teaser:

My name is Carlisle Cullen. I am a doctor, a husband, and a father. My family—my wife and children—are my world. They inspire me to be the best man I can be. Like all men, I have failings—weaknesses that torment me. For me, it's sex. I have an unusual thirst for it, craving it almost constantly.

Read TRYST now!